What I meant was…..

“Listen me first, what I meant was……”, after a long pause, “what I want to say is, you know what I mean….”, Again a long pause. A pause where your words starts to betray you, where they begin to play hide and seek with your tongue, a pause where your mind goes through hard time aligning with your uttered words. That beep sound in your head just slit the wound in your throat, and you are just dazed with your own words.

Did that ever happen to you, where you tries to put it into simpler words but it gets convoluted and hence problematic?

Those annoying interruptions are so onerous to conceal, which makes you the person in guilt, because you are not defending yourself. A general perception, no explanation and you are censured.

 Can it be other way round? Maybe the person is having hard time to defend because he knows there is no one to understand him. Maybe he knows there are no words which can explain his situation at the right time and in the right amount. Oh wait, there is a third option too. He don’t know how to defend himself without hurting the person who asks the question because he cares for him. And that’s when all the sentences finishes with, “don’t take me wrong, what I meant was…….”, and then comes a long pause again. The more the pause, the more your explanation is taken as a mere lie.

Undulate, yeah that’s the suitable word to explain this situation. At one point, you are all ready with your explanation, but the next moment, you forget all the relevant words, leaving just the fillers of your line which do not make any sense together. It’s like listening to your beautiful song and can appreciate the lyrics which is telling you the whole story of your life, where every words just makes sense and align with your thinking, and BAM! something happened and you just lost the essence of your favorite song, unadorned words with no meaning.

So, sometimes, it’s hard to find the exact words to express what we really mean, to speak what we actually want to tell. 

An undulating war of heart, mind and words. 

The repeated pause and onset of every uttered word

The conflict of intuitions in regard to outcomes.

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Via daily prompt: undulate